Quote of the Week

"I assure you that if you have to wait even until the next life to be blessed with a choice companion, God will surely compensate you."
President Ezra T. Benson, To the Single Adult Sisters of the Church, 1988.

Friday, February 21, 2014

The Economics of Sex

The frustration I feel navigating the dating market is a frequent theme in my blog. I'm not very tech savvy so I'm grateful to the Austin Institute who created this video
which illustrates everything I've been trying to say for the last two years. Why buy the milk when the cow is free? That's essentially what this video is saying. A split in the dating market has occurred where marriage-minded women, who are demanding a ring before giving sexual favors, now outnumber men who can enjoy a marketplace where they don't have to pay anything for sexual favors. Nowhere is this more obvious than Mormon young single adult wards and online LDS dating websites.
As many young, single adult, never married LDS women are discovering, to their dismay, all the good boys willing to invest months in a courtship and two months salary on a ring for their girlfriend have already been to the temple and back and are now off the market. As the years pass,  these same LDS women begin to get desperate. If and when they decide to go online they will also find, to their dismay, there's not much dating or courtship leading to marriage going on here either. Why? Because only divorced Mormons or Mormons seeking cohabitation need apply and the majority of single men on these website are the ones "looking for fun" just like the young men in their young single adult wards.
It's a frustrating conundrum. What's a single Mormon girl with high standards to do? This is why I created this blog and here's some of the answers I have to offer in lieu of succumbing to social pressure and lowering your price for sex:

  • Continue to get all the education you can. If you already have that dream job, a fabulous career with great pay and have already bought your own house and lack nothing except that elusive dating relationship leading to temple marriage and an eternal family, consider going back to school or taking up a new hobby or service project. Even if you don't meet that special someone in one of these classes, or land an even better paying job, at least you spent your time wisely and productively. 
  • Continue to spend time with your best girlfriends (or guy friends) who are also still single If there are any single guys reading this, I'd be very interested to know what you do to keep your spirits up since this video is pretty adamant that single guys never get lonely. Single Mormon females already have a strong collusion potential. We can band together. We don't have to compete with each other. We can encourage each other to stay strong and value our virginity and set a high price for sex in the marketplace. In the meantime, we can get together and engage in lots of fun, wholesome activities since, as the video supports, the guys won't pay up or ask us out. I'm blessed to have a sister and a small group of single girlfriends to spend quality time with. The church is already encouraging this with the recent announcement of uniting LDS women across the globe in a newly organized board. http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865595897/Mormon-leaders-announce-effort-to-unite-LDS-women-across-the-globe.html?pg=all 
  •  Continue to trust in God this is hard advice, even for me, and I feel like a hypocrite for preaching faith and hope that somehow, someway, God is saving a special Prince Charming for each of us who long for temple marriage and motherhood and He will lead us to that special young man in His own time be it in this life or the next. Well, I'm sorry, but there are too many days when I just don't feel like rejoicing or praising God for blessings that I may have to wait until the next life to fully enjoy and understand. Nevertheless, we mustn't let those dark days of frustration, loneliness, and the temptation to sink into a never-ending spiral of depression overcome us. Deal with them, have your cry, (believe me I've had so many these last ten years, I've lost count!) then declare the pity-party officially over and see the first two suggestions as to what you can do, as a single woman who must wait a little longer for marriage and motherhood, to keep on going.
I've always known what I wanted in a relationship and was never willing to settle for anything less. It's true that men want sex and will do anything to get it. It's also true that women are willing to lower their price for sex in exchange for love, security and the validation that we are desirable. Watching this video reminded me of the two times in my life where a young man was so desperate to have sex he: woke me up on October 30, 1995 at 4:30am threatening to rape me and that he would kill me if I screamed or tried to resist. I said, "No you won't," and screamed my roommate's name anyway. She sat up in the other bed and the intruder bolted. We never found out who he was. The second guy was a Mexican immigrant I met in 2004 when circumstances drove me to seek another form of employment. In desperation I took the first job offer I could find, a dishwashing position at 1800-CONTACTS where I was the only woman in a kitchen full of Spanish speaking men and the sou chef, who ironically was already married to a petite blond, began taking an interest in me. I was flattered at first, since none of the young men in my LDS single adult ward couldn't care less about me, but I was growing tired of his sexual advances: coming up behind me in the walk-in refrigerator and putting his arms around me, trying to get me to kiss him, joking about how I was going to eventually give in and let him ravish me. I complained to my boss but he was a chauvinist who wasn't about to fire his sou chef while I, a lowly female and a Mormon with standards, had no tenure with the company and by this point was already planning to return to school and change careers. On July 27, 2005, he completely surprised me by showing up at the house owned by my roommate from whom I rented my downstairs bedroom. She was out of town on vacation that day. I'd mentioned this today at work since we were friends and we'd had many conversations about other non-sexually related subjects, like my Mormon beliefs. Now here he was, standing on my doorstep and since I couldn't remember the last time I had a male visitor over to spend time with me and give me some attention, I invited him in (I suffered qualms later over what might have happened) but when it became apparent the only reason he was here was to follow through on his request to be the first one to "pop my cherry" I smiled, reminded him he was already married, repeated what that video said about what women want in relationships and that I had no desire to lose my standing in the church. I showed him the door and he left. Later, I couldn't believe how lucky I was he didn't try to force the issue but I've stood up to rapists before. He wasn't a rapist, he wasn't even my boyfriend, just a man who thought he could get free sex and take advantage of a woman suffering from a serious inferiority complex who'd never been in a serious relationship in her life. Nevertheless, all you ladies out there, don't ever try this at home! Inviting him in was a very very foolish gesture and since that day I've promised myself to never tempt fate like that again. Now that I'm 39, I'll probably never have the opportunity anyway. Yet, I try and take comfort that at least I can die knowing I was sexually desirable, even if it was by all the wrong kinds of men. That's just the world we live in, I suppose and we can only pray a better world will be ushered in one day soon. Hopefully with better singles wards.