Is any thing too hard for the LORD? At the time appointed I will return unto thee, according to the time of life, and Sarah shall have a son. Genesis 18:14 KJV
For with God nothing shall be impossible. Luke 1:37 KJV
Notice both of these scriptures refer to married (or engaged to be married) women with the promise that they will become mothers in the near future.
Why are single women in the scriptures always so marginalized and utterly forsaken by the LORD GOD??? Why do we have to wait until the next life while everyone else and their dog celebrate their new-found freedom to marry each other (even the dog!) and create families of their own???
Here is my own list of
Things that are TOO HARD/IMPOSSIBLE for the LORD:
1. Temple marriage (or the ideal one man/one woman marriage see this article) because not all single women feel this way:
2. That dream job after earning a college degree (or two) see this article
3. Just ONE JOB that doesn't involve flipping burgers, substitute teaching or filling orders in a warehouse so I could afford to purchase a small, modest, home of my own.
4. Just ONE DATE on JUST ONE of my birthdays (from ages 16-40)
5. Just ONE DATE on Valentine's Day (from 1991-2014)
6. Admission to the "Motherhood Club" this woman gets it
I don't care if you're a single, unmarried woman living in 2014 where the general consensus is "We don't need men!" or 1956 when the general consensus USED to be "If the kids are so determined to have sex let's encourage them to date and marry FIRST."
Deep down I know tender-hearted single women everywhere still secretly yearn for this now old fashioned ideal fairy tale ideal of dating and courtship:
The boy initiates the date and arrives to pick her up
He meets the parents,
The boy and girl spend time getting to know each other
Now, really, isn't that so much better than THIS????
And finally, item #7 on my list of Things that are TOO HARD/IMPOSSIBLE for THE LORD
7. Putting me out of my misery with uterine or ovarian caner so I can finally die and continue my eternal progression on the "other side of the veil" where someone might be waiting to ask me out.
Now that I'm an official 40 year old virgin I celebrated by making my first ever appointment with a gynecologist to determine the underlying cause of my Dysmenorrhea (thanks Pathophysiology textbook from my U of U pre-English major days when I believed I could become a nurse or CNA and work in the Women's Center. Alas, two other girls from the same hospital cafeteria I worked in were accepted for those CNA positions while I was continuously passed over). My anemia and painful cramps that three years ago began to induce vomiting, alas, were not the result of a malignant growth or tumor, just noncancerous uterine fibroids as the transvaginal ultrasound and pelvic exam revealed. Having the doctor insert a speculum into your vagina is LOADS of fun, let me tell you!
They loaded me down with iron supplements and birth control pills and sent me on my way. Now I can be what my mother always dreamed for me to become: a prostitute! Wonder if I should give Romero, that married Mexican immigrant who worked with me in the kitchen at 1800Contacts almost a decade ago who was always trying to get me to have sex with him a call? I've been given the means to be responsible and as we all learned from watching Meet the Mormons one woman's bad choice was magically rewarded with temple marriage. Perhaps I was mislead by all those Young Women's lessons on dating and chastity as the ONLY path to eternal happiness. Where are the freakin' BLESSINGS???
Calling all terrorists! Please just SHOOT ME NOW!!! God's not listening to me.
And now for the antithesis:
Things that are NOT TOO HARD/NOT IMPOSSIBLE for the Lord
1. Allowing the breakup of families and the subsequential rise of post-familialism
2. Allowing rape and sexual assault/molestation with no reconciliation or justice or answers (Why did this happen to me??? the incident occurred nineteen years ago October 30, 1995)
3. Allowing 40 years of bullying with no reconciliation (Again, WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME???)
Linda Higginbotham Llewellyn Scholes always treated me with condescension and took the lazy road of parenting. As the oldest child she freely admits she made "A lot of mistakes" with me growing up (child abuse, emotional abuse). I never wanted to be like her. We have never been close because I just can't talk to her about anything. The conversation would ALWAYS revert back to HER. As a result I grew up insecure, with low-self esteem, with the hope if I continued to be a "good girl" being kind, working hard in school and minimum wage jobs so I wouldn't be a burden to her, serving others with a willing and cheerful heart that I would eventually be rewarded with an eternal family blessed by a worthy priesthood holding hubby and children of my own. I vowed I'd never make my children the victims of my own poor choices, like Linda Scholes. Ray Llewellyn was never around and will probably be surprised and shocked reading the following events:
Sadly, tragically, I have learned the hard way that a girl who was constantly teased and tormented by her peers at school, was never asked to prom and was most recently written up (again) at her food service job would never be blessed with temple marriage. Not after hearing "You're Ugly!" and "Hey, Fish Lips!" throughout grade school, getting paper thrown in my hair in Freshman English Class, returning from PE swimming one day to discover my bra strung between the columns in the girls locker room, (I'd like to thank Saskia Irwin Stallings, Sunny McKell Ence and Robin Gubler who is probably just as happily married as the other two) and received numerous landline (remember those?) phone calls from random unnamed boys "pretending" to ask me out. I'd especially like to thank that Dickhead who asked me to Homecoming my senior year over the phone and stood me up because it was just someone's idea of a sick joke. I'd also like to thank Del Ruesch who would've been my first (blind) date at sixteen but when he found out who he'd been set up with suddenly found an excuse to cancel making me feel like a real princess.
No support or sympathy from my family either. I hate the holidays. I'm always stuck on the outside looking in while my family doesn't know what to do with me.
"No one is going to spend that much on you," as my dear (happily married with two boys) sister once told me when I grumbled about always having to purchase my own Christmas gifts, the ones I REALLY want like an iPod or a new expensive hardbound book; things a significant other might take the time and go out of their way to surprise you with because doing nice things for each other is what a good healthy relationship is all about. The kind I can only continue to dream of now and hope I'll be worthy to experience in the next life.
"We're not YOUR brothers," the brother I'm closest with once told me while I was chocking back tears trying to express my feelings about how much my four younger siblings meant to me, a childless old maid with no real family of her own. I guess we really are "just a group of people who really like each other" as Elder Holland stated in the Ogden Temple Open house video they showed before the tour a few months ago. "You are very plain," this same brother also once reminded me, reinforcing the teasing I suffered as a child.
"What do you do? You READ!" my youngest (and still unmarried) brother once taunted as the reason I was never asked out as much as my cute younger sister, making me feel like a real princess. See, Linda Higginbotham Llewellyn Scholes was ALWAYS comparing me to everyone else. Never failing to remind me of all my shortcomings when it came to looks and popularity at school.
"We'd prefer you keep your distance from OUR new baby, since you're not married or have children of your own," as my dear sister-in-law sneered while my brother just stood passively by in silent support of this knife being stabbed into the heart of his eldest sister. I wish I'd never witnessed their sealing in the Salt Lake Temple.
Families really suck sometimes.
The examples above prove that superficial popularity and physical attractiveness really DO matter more than whatever is written on your heart (1 Samuel 16:7). Temple marriage, filling the measure of my creation, realizing my full potential either physically or professionally is simply too hard/impossible for THE LORD. Allowing me to experience being a victim, a doormat, an easy target? Not so hard.
Five times I interviewed this past summer of 2014 for English teaching/school librarian jobs and five times was passed over. One more email of complaint about me from a disgruntled associate at the hospital I work at and I'm terminated from the hamburger flipping job I've held for nine years. My new (female) boss loves to micromanage and was quick to label me as "insubordinate and disrespectful" with a bad attitude. Human Resources was equally quick to validate this. IlovemyjobIlovemyjobIlovemyjob
Five times I interviewed this past summer of 2014 for English teaching/school librarian jobs and five times was passed over. One more email of complaint about me from a disgruntled associate at the hospital I work at and I'm terminated from the hamburger flipping job I've held for nine years. My new (female) boss loves to micromanage and was quick to label me as "insubordinate and disrespectful" with a bad attitude. Human Resources was equally quick to validate this. IlovemyjobIlovemyjobIlovemyjob
I don't mean to be all sour grapes. Really, what this all boils down to is my frustration over lifelong unrequited love and the free agency and free will of men. Perhaps it IS the wickedness of men (and women) their lust for power (see D&C 121:39) that has tied the hands of God to prevent him from opening the doors or even the smallest window of heaven to pour out even one teeny tiny little blessing on me regarding dating, marriage and career aspirations. Or maybe, as Linda and Alan Scholes are so eager to remind me aka Biblical Job's friends and family: I've committed some horrible, irrevocable BIG SIN and must go and confess to my bishop, repent and get another makeover and find some new friends. Because that always solves everything.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Stay tuned for next month's blog post. Maybe I'll have an answer by then. Maybe I'll find a support group for losers like me who just can't fit in with all the married with families of their own normal people.
To end on a more positive note, at least I can earn money to buy myself happiness and arrange for my own "dates" with myself because if I just sat around waiting for someone to come along and actually ASK me, I'd never go anywhere. My two good friends, Lauralee and Whitney also went out of their way to purchase a thoughtful birthday gift for me last month and are always there for me if I ever need them.
My only platonic guy-friend at work, Brian, also did a nice thing for me this week letting me borrow his City Library copy of the latest U2 (with a bonus disc not included in the free download) album for me to listen to because he knows what a huge fan I am.
My own dear, little sister isn't all bad either. She was kind enough to accompany me on a recent first time trip to New York City, a place I've always wanted to see.
We had a great time celebrating my 40th birthday together and I know she appreciates my willingness to babysit my favorite nephews as often as I can. Those two adorable boys are the greatest joys of my life. Porter would be too, if my sister-in-law would allow it.
Anyway, here's a sampling of the photos I took from the Big Apple, September 21-24, 2014.
