A Difficult Day for Singles

     Is Father's Day as hard for single, never-married men as Mother's Day is for single never-married women? Unrequited love is just one of life's catastrophes but it leaves far too many good women isolated and trapped in their own bitter disappointment. While the rest of the world celebrates the ultra-feminine fairytale of virgin girls who married a good husband, father and provider, had a busload of squeaky clean kids who adored her and they all lived happily ever after; the earth shattering reality is that this picture has become very rare indeed. The fact is all women-young and old-live by a ticking time bomb of a maternal clock while men are free to prance around as the playboys of the western world. Society has gradually turned a blind eye to these changing lifestyles. As a result America is rapidly turning into a nation of unhappily blended and divorced families. Mother's Day will never be the same.
     I'll come right out and say it, I'm sick and tired of the LGBT groups hogging the spotlight of marriage and parenthood rights while those of us who remain true to our V-cards are labeled second-class citizens. Let the gauntlet be thrown down in the battle for who yearns the most to become a spouse and parent to precious children conceived in wedlock legal and binding. LGBT groups better want it bad cause the ever shrinking moral majority of America still exists and we're gonna put up a fight. Hang in there my fellow single sisters, the moral right WILL prevail! One day we WILL have the opportunity to become wives and mothers to busloads of our own and we too will live happily ever after. We can sympathize with LGBT groups but the fact remains sex outside of marriage is never acceptable, has proved a threat to society and must not be condoned. We will all have the oppportunity to fill the measure of our creation. Don't ask me how that's going to work-I just write what my heart tells me and leave the rest up to God.
     So, with that out of the way, I'm glad we have this day to honor the unrecognized and unsung heroes in the lives of good people-your mother. She's the one person Jesus himself called "Woman" for a person's mother should always be the "Ultimate Woman" revered and honored above all other women. This is especially true if you're a young single man. When you're a single unmarried woman, I say Mother's Day is the perfect excuse to give yourself a day off-so I skipped church today.  
     As I've gotten older and moved into my own solitary apartment, Mother's Day has only grown harder. I have fond memories of my own mother sewing clothes and making dolls, reading me stories, teaching me how to make my first batch of brownies while struggling to get along with a man she didn't love. Then I grew up and committed the unforgivable sin of not getting asked out on lots of dates, marrying and providing my divorced and remarried mother with grandchildren. I'm independant, a non-yuppie who never had a career and I refuse to "settle" for anyone just so I can have a man in my life. That's what I told my dear old mother and our relationship has been rocky ever since.
     So, for everyone out there who does enjoy a nurturing and special relationship with your own wise and supportive mother while living the yuppie life-I'm happy for you. Go call her and if she has any good advice on how to deal with the lonely, hard-knock life swimming in the ever shrinking dating pool of potential husbands, please-share!
   

Family vs. U2

     Hard to believe it was ten years ago at this time-April 2003-I bought my very first U2 album and became an immediate fan. I remember it was Saturday and I was living in Cedar City, Utah going to school at Southern Utah University and commuting to the Wal-Mart Distribution Center forty miles south in Hurricane. Though my days were full and busy I yearned for the unconventional simple life of homemaker, wife and mother. I was so tired of working to support myself. I was tired of all the competion among the large population of college girls just like me clinging desperately to the hope that one day we could obey our church leaders, cast off the shackles of our careers and live the humble productive lives our mothers and grandmothers once enjoyed. Fill the measure of our creation.
     Alas, in a town with a population of twenty year old females greatly outnumbering the males-good men who aspire to be husbands and providers to future families of their own are hard to come by. Which is what led me to the (only) local Wal-Mart one Saturday morning after I'd finished my chores at the laundromat proceeding to do my weekly grocery shopping. My daily commute was long, surrounding mountains made the one local altetnative rock station hard to tune into and I'd been wanting some new music to help pass the time. Walking out with "All That You Can't Leave Behind" I had no idea just how literally that title would come to apply to my life.
     Didn't realize it at the time but I fell in love that day. Here were four men who were dedicated to their family, partners, children, yet had managed to make inspiring, uplifting music. Sure, I'd heard of "The Joshua Tree" who wasn't familar with such warhorse hits as "With or Without You" and "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" but this new album really opened my eyes and for three solid weeks it stayed in my car's CD player. Who were these musisians, why had I never bought any of their music before? I went online to find out and discovered the fan websites, biographies and mailing lists. I checked out "The Unforgettable Fire" the only library book about the band and devoured it. If blogs had exisited back then...
     It was an instant connection. Here were four men who understood the old school traditions of wooing a woman while rocking the world. Good men who believed in that old-time religion and sought to make it a part of their lives while following their dreams. They had made it possible and they made me believe my own humble dreams had just as good a chance of becoming possible. I had found what I was looking for.
     By Christmas of 2003 I was living alone in St. George, finishing my student teaching while working nights at the warehouse and trying not to let my obsession with Bono cloud my judgements. He was one of the reasons I moved up to Salt Lake just after the new year. I'd missed their last concert tour and when U2 next came to town I realized the only venue big enough to hold them would be in our capitol city and that I needed to be there.
     I moved to the Salt Lake area and never looked back. I joined my little sister in her apartment and threw myself into substitute teaching. When a career in this field never presented itself, I turned, like a druggie, to the music of U2 and found comfort and solace.
     Sitting in one of the sealing rooms of the Salt Lake Temple, watching that same little sister cross the threshold from singleton into the land of eternal matrimony, it was the music of "Mysterious Ways" playing in my head like an iPod yet to be invented, that comforted me. The meaningful stares from my mother were hard to miss as I, the oldest daughter, had failed in accomplishing the greatest task she was sent here on this earth to do-multiply and replenish the earth-even if meant "settling" for someone who could turn out to be a real loser. Bono was anything but a loser and I'd made my decision as to the kind of man I wanted to marry and wouldn't "settle" for anything less.
    
     Time passed and Mary gave birth to a darling baby boy. I didn't realize it at the time but the minute Calvin was placed in my arms, that spot on my mental pedestal that Bono had occupied for so many years was replaced by another. Poor Bono. He never stood a chance. Who could compete with such an adorable little face? Why settle for an aging idol who doesn't even know my name when, for the first time in my life, the love I was giving was being returned threefold by a little child.
     And now I have a second little nephew to expand my growing circle of love. Meanwhile, the sparkling glow of my old U2 obsession grows dimmer with each passing year. Bono and compmany will always have a special place in my heart, of course, but something of far greater value and worth has slowly creeped in and taken over, Edge-ing out (pun intended) all other competition!

Happy St. Paddy's Day

Meet my new nephew, Charles Kay Williams, just over two weeks old today. My thanks to sister Mary for letting me get a photo with him and not freaking out about posting it online.
I had the opportunity to babysit him last week while Mary took Calvin to preschool before heading to a doctor's appointment. He was just so sweet to rock and cuddle and burp while his blue eyes stared in newborn wonder at this strange woman cooing down at him.
I hung out at their house for a good part of the afternoon, spending time with my two favorite nephews.
Forget the dirty looks I'm about to get from all the Betty Friedan's out there, life on planet earth just doesn't get any better than this. If I could have my wish I'd gladly give up living the Virginia Woolf dream-having a room of my own and a modest income a year in order to create and write. I'd rather be mommyblogging and, since it's St. Patrick's Day, married to this guy:

Too bad he's alrady taken!

May the luck of Irish grant the deepest desires of all the single, unmarrieds like me out there.

Next post: celebrating my ten year anniversary as a U2 fan

A Single Valentine

Yes, I'll admit it. I bought myself a box of assorted See's Candies for Valentine's Day. Maybe next year I'll have the courage to go all out and buy a heart-shaped box. Excuse me while I go sharpen that knife to plunge into my chest.
It was an award winning performance. Gliding up to the counter, a demure smile for the friendly salesman. "Yes, one-pound box please. Let's start with four toffee-ettes that's mine, I mean, OUR favorite." Me, myself and I "One cholcolate almond, peanut, caramel...is that a walnut sqaure? Yes, we likes those." Must have the precious "Thank you, it's been years since we've enjoyed one of your boxes of delicious chocolate."
Just doing my part to keep our economy afloat. After all, if it weren't for single women like me, forced to buy candy for herself on Valentine's Day, old fashioned confectioners like See's Candies would be out of business.
After all, this is the day to celebrate a holiday dedicated to our true loves and mine happens to be chocolate and nuts- just not the Josh Powell kind!
Now to curl up under my old quilt, watch season three of "The Mentalist" and let myself fall quite comfortably into the arms of Simon Baker while stuffing my face with candy. Happy Valentine's Day!

The Trials of Sundance

     With 31 days to slog through, January is one of the hardest months for a single adult to endure. The holidays are over, nothing to look forward to. Ring in the blahs!
     But if you're blessed to live in the Salt Lake area (and how glad I am that I moved up here from Southern Utah all those years ago) the month of January gives Utahns like me one thing to look forward to-the Sundance Film Festival! Lauralee Broschinsky, a good friend of mine, and I have made a tradition of attending every year. I am blessed to have a VERY small circle of friends outside my family to socialize with.
     So, in the picture, that's Jon Header, who played Napolean Dynamite in the popular movie. Next to him is the lucky fan who managed to snag a quick picture after seeing, "For Ellen" in which Jon played a minor role to Paul Dano, with whom I also got to exchange a few brief words after the movie. Both actors were very gracious and accomodating to all the fans who wanted pictures and autographs.
     Laura, Whitney and I got lunch and returned to strolling Park City's main drag, killing time before heading for the wait list line for the next movie. So far I've learned if you want meet any famous celebrities, the best place to see anyone famous is to attend a screening of one of their movies. The rest of Sundance experience was filled with lots of laughter and the simple pleasure of enjoying a girls day out.

     We also stopped by the Family History Center where the older missionary couple, with beaming smiles, invited us downstairs to watch a new video about families *warning bells!* Now, don't get me wrong, one thing I love about being a Mormon is the Church's devotion to the importance of traditional family values but this particular video about a traditional nuclear family reminiscing about how much they mean to each other on the eve of oldest daughter's temple wedding was just as overly cheesy and unrealistic as I feared. It felt awkward because it seems nobody is following that life script anymore.
       This became even more evident after we saw the next Sundance movie "Nobody Walks" about a blended family-mom, stepdad, 16 year old daughter-all sleeping around and having sex with everybody without any consequences. Ironic. On one hand we have the voices of the world screaming that divorce, infidelity and sexual harrassment of young girls is perfectly OK. On the other hand we have the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints that pretends nobody does these things and that we're all still living in the 1960's when flirting led to dating which led to courtship which led to marriage and children. Then we have three single adult women-like my friends and I-wondering "Where do I fit in?"

In case you're wondering where this segway is going, I propose a few answers:
    
     A few years ago I read this book "I Need Thee Every Hour" by David P. Vandagriff. An inspirational read about applying the atonement in everyday life, I won't recommend anyone reading this run out and buy it, it's merely OK, nothing special. But one section of the book on p. 97 did stand out to me as a frustrated single adult and I'd like to share it here.
     In the section titled "Reasons for Our Suffering" Vandagriff quotes (the late) LDS apostle Neal A. Maxwell, who classified different types of trials. Since I'm just as analytical and logical as Elder Maxwell (our own Mr. Spock of the gospel if I may be so bold to call him) this really stood out to me as a new concept and since I like nice, organized lists explaining things here's Elder Maxwell's list for the three classes of trials everyone on this earth must go through at some time or other and, most importantly, the WHY of these trials:

     Class One Trials: The mistakes we make that result in unhappy consequences. Read the paper, watch the news, go to the movies, these are the trials being glorified yet, I believe are also responsible for many of the ills of society: murderers, rapists, addicts who whine about being punished, those who chose to live beyond their means, the people who made a wrong choice, the deadbeat dad who suddenly wants custody of the kids, the immigrants who came to this country illegally, the gay and lesbian communities who whine about the right to maintain a certain lifestyle. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone, sooner or later, must pay the penalty for their error be it short-term foolishness, or, growing more common, severe enough to turn this mortal life into a nightmare yet-deep down those who suffer from Class One Trials know they have no one to blame but themselves.

     Class Two Trials: These are the "Act of God" trials, the bad things that can happen to good people trials, over which we have absolutely no control: illness, physical handicaps, old age, cancer, famine, flood, fire, drought. For members of The Chruch of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, these trials are easy to accept and understand because we've been taught how to deal with them and there's usually a network of support, help and aid that arrives when such disasters occur.

    Class Three Trials: These are the hardest. These are the ones that are JUST NOT FAIR: good, faithful, chaste women-their lives filled with service and faith-never have the opportunity to marry, (GEE, THAT RINGS FAMILIAR) the nuclear family man who, like Job in the Bible, suddenly loses everything-career, house, wife and/or children for no apparent reason, the missionary or military man who catches a stray bullet while serving in the field now confined to wheelchair for the rest of his life, the victims of divorce, pornography, rape, abuse and torture who struggle to pick up the pieces of their lives and move on. In short, these are the trials brought about by the choices of others! These are trials which can also bring unnecessary suffering as the victim wonders what he/she did wrong, or must repent of in order to be free from this pain.

     That's what I'll end on today, what I must try to keep in mind and if anyone reading this is also suffering I hope this helps. Class Three Trials really struck a chord with me. I must stop this mental self-flailing with the cords as I spiral downward into self-pity while the words of well meaning friends and family members echo in my head-the blame the victim game, like Job's wife and friends played with him-you brought this on yourself, you better repent, conform, assimilate. Thus I miss the important lesson the Lord is trying to teach me.

     Repentance is also important. Vandagriff is not providing excuses for those suffering from Class One or Two Trials the same message is given over every pulpit on Sundays and at every General Conference-if you made a mistake, you CAN change and repent.

     What I wish the good brethern and leaders of the church would focus MORE on is how innocent folks like you and me, who have very little support network, can best endure these Class Three Trials. Exactly WHAT lesson is the Lord trying to teach me here? Give me something to look forward to, nix these 30-plus LDS singles ward and activities, quit telling me the only way to experience dating is look for it online, and come up with something better to encourage real life dating, courship and marriage among young and older singles in the church.

     Perhaps we should start a petition? I welcome ideas. Have a great day and I'll try to post more often...if anyone even cares.

 

Merry Christmas to Singles Everywhere

Time for the annual flogging. The reminder that if you aren't married or with someone for the holidays you will be miserable. I say, time to set things straight.

     Think Santa will be impressed enough with my dancing to send me a man for Christmas? Here's hoping!
    
      Well, my little apartment is all cozy and decorated for Christmas. Tomorrow I'm going over to bake up a storm with my Mom and sister Mary-fudge, cookies, bread, the works, yum! I find keeping busy and treating myself to a few fun outings to celebrate the season, like going downtown to see the Christmas with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir performance keeps my spirits up. Other years I take myself to Ballet West's Nutcracker. I'll do that next year. Serving others in my family is also a good Christmas activity to help stay busy and keep my mind off being lonely during the holiday. Like today...

      Today was my nephew's 5th birthday. I stopped by to drop off his gift and read him a few stories before hearing his prayers and helping Mary and Aaron tuck him into bed and kiss him goodnight. I may not be a mother but I sure am grateful to be allowed to participate when I can. Calvin hugged me so tight it took some prodding to get him to let go and put him to bed. I like being someone's favorite aunt. What more do I need to have a Merry Christmas?
So, go find something fun to do, even if you have to go alone. Go find someone to serve, take cookies. Or, if you're like me and getting really desperate, go find a Santa to dance with.
Merry Christmas and God bless us (singles), every one!

Marriage is not the Reward for Righteousness

We (I) have learned by sad experience that it is the nature and disposition of almost all men, (but mostly women) as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion (D&C 121:39).

            I’m not sure about other single females, but over the years I’ve noticed that in my family, and in many church talks and lessons I’ve endured on dating and temple marriage, the majority of those advice givers-pushing me to get married, find a boyfriend, spend more time on my physical appearance-all came from women.

When was the last time a guy came up and waved his wedding ring in your face? Or your best guy friend took you aside and told you he’d love to take you out on a date sometime-if you’d just update your makeup case. How often in a group of unmarried co-eds do the young men tap each other on the shoulder and say, “Um, excuse me, but, back off…SHE’S MINE!”

            There seems to be a prevailing attitude among female Mormons that if you live righteously-go to church, read your scriptures, say your prayers, pay your tithing-yet remain stuck in single mode, the Lord must be punishing you. If you don’t have ten guys chasing you, something’s wrong. So, you get pushed aside, labeled “Old Maid” and denied acceptance into the club until you conform and lose your virginity or at least find someone to take you to the temple.

            The world, on the other hand, is only waiting for you to cross that sex line. Give in to the pressure, lose your virginity, and be like everyone else. Only then will you find acceptance. Only then will you be happy. Sorry, temple marriage not included.

This is called a catch-22 and it is a lie women are putting pressure on each other to follow. I’m not just talking about Mormons, there’s pressure from all sides, especially for girls and young women that if they don’t follow the life script of the world and have a boyfriend by a certain age, they will be labeled “loser” for the rest of her life and I can’t help but notice the majority of those doing the labeling are women.

            Boys kill each other. Girls make you wish you were dead.

            Ladies, if this is you, this really needs to stop. When Satan managed to turn the world’s greatest crusaders for peace, virtue, and moral standards, against each other in such vindictive behavior-we are letting him win. We are judging each other by the world’s false standard of what it means to be a liberated woman as we put so much pressure on each other to either get yourself a partner (or to the temple) or die trying. This is not righteous living. We should be more concerned with our character and how we treat each other. The children both living and not yet born are counting on us to set a good example. Let the men kill each other. We can’t let it happen. Let us return to the sweetness of femininity. We can’t let Satan win!

            In “The Uses of Adversity” by Carlfred Broderick he tells of going to a Young Women’s activity back in the 80’s where a take-off on The Wizard of Oz was presented by “Barbie-with-a-testimony” leaders who stressed temple marriage as the quintessential end to following a yellow brick road-type life script.

             After the presentation, President Broderick gently corrected them, “I do not want you to believe for one minute that if you keep all the commandments and live as close to the Lord as you can and do everything right and fight off the entire priests quorum one by one and wait chastely for your missionary to return…and have a temple marriage, I do not want you to believe that bad things will not happen to you."

 When things don’t go our way, when we discover marriage is not all it’s cracked up to be. In the end, it’s more than just having a current temple recommend, it’s the Savior’s atonement that will ultimately get us into the Celestial Kingdom.

           

It really worries me, the condescending treatment us singles get, just because we don’t have partners. We’re treated as lepers, yet, we don’t view ourselves that way. We know in our hearts there is more to life than having a boyfriend. We say in our hearts: Haven’t I paid my dues, served others without complaint, pray morning and night, keep the commandments? Why, then, am I not married? Why am I living alone in this too-small house? Must I endure another Thanksgiving stuck at the kids table? Where is the reward for my righteousness?  

How frustrating it is when righteous living doesn’t yield the same rewards those I view around me in their happily married state of bliss appear to be enjoying. Yet, it is times like these, thinking I’m the only one who feels this way, as I find myself sinking into a downward melancholy spiral of despair, that’s when I remember a favorite quote I heard once in a talk by Elder Faust:

When fretted by this single life, which seems to be my lot. I think of all the many men whose wife I’m glad I’m not.

Thank goodness God does not judge us on our marital status. In the end, how we treated each other during our lives on this earth is all that matters. Thank goodness those stuck in a degrading or abusive marriage can find comfort knowing Joseph Smith once said those men who don’t honor and cherish their wives in this life will not be privileged to have them in the next.

Married or not. Divorced or single. If our hearts are pure, we as oldmaidmormons-and I include anyone else out there who yearns for marriage and can’t seem to find it-can all take comfort in one of my favorite scriptures from Isaiah on what to do when feeling down and lonely because we are not yet married and filling the measure of our creation.

Sing, O barren, thou that didst not bear; break forth into singing and cry aloud, thou that didst not travial with child: for more are the children of the desolate than the children of the married wife, saith the Lord. (Isaiah 54:1).

So, to all my single sisters, get out there and even if you’re not much of a singer, have a song in your heart as you count your blessings, smile bravely through the abuse of those well-meaning relatives this holiday season who will inevitably ask: “My goodness, aren’t you married yet?” and remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God. We CAN live righteous lives and, with the help of our Savior, be welcomed into the Kingdom of the Blissfully Married-even if we don’t have that ring yet.