Quote of the Week

"I assure you that if you have to wait even until the next life to be blessed with a choice companion, God will surely compensate you."
President Ezra T. Benson, To the Single Adult Sisters of the Church, 1988.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Dealing With Ambigous Loss

       First, a little intro about me. Despite my parent's temple marriage and subsequent divorce when I was 13-so my biological father could continue living the single life without the responsibilities of parenthood-I'm with the pro-marriage between a man and woman party. I've been a good Mormon girl all my life. Born and raised in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Served a mission to Atlanta Georgia (1997-99) and have many stories (song and dance not included) that I look forward to sharing but I'll save that for a future post. I'm currently going back to school to get a second bachelor's degree. Another long story that'll have to wait for a future post. I love reading, writing, music, hiking, I try to stay busy...but I'm still single. 

    As far as romance goes, I've never experienced anything. Quite the opposite actually. In high school no one asked me to prom, I never had a boyfriend, I had a small group of girlfriends but no guyfriends. At my (Hurricane) High School graduation party in 1993 my best friend and I were both voted "Most likely to still be single in ten years". This prediction came true. She's now married with children which I'd never know if it weren't for Facebook. Once everyone you know gets married and settled down, the chriping of the crickets can get really loud. 
     A few dissapointments in my life include a few times where some guys have been real jerks like when I was 21 attending Dixie College (1995) I was sexually molested when a young man entered our apartment and woke me up attempting to rape me. My screams woke my roomates and he fled. We never found out who he was but since I was the oldest among the six of us, I was kinda glad it had happened to me. It was a terrifying incident. One I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I don't talk about it much, perhaps I'll dedicate a future entry to the incident because years later I found myself relating to Elizabeth Smart as that was one of the reasons I served a mission. I left for Georgia hoping God would compensate me with romance upon my return eighteen months later. It didn't come to pass. I pray Elizabeth has better luck.

    Fast forward to age 31, living in Salt Lake working in the food service industry and being sexually harrassed at my job by a married coworker while trying to break into public teaching. Since he was superior to me I was quickly let go. I'm not bitter about that because it led me to my next job, also as a food service worker, at a busy hospital. No one harrasses me there. I made many new friends and it's a good job that pays the bills. I've been there six years now, everyone I work with is very nice and I'm grateful. But I'm still single

    Like I mentioned before, I've since returned to school to further my education. The dissapointment in not landing a well paying job in a career I worked hard in school for is yet another future story I'll have to post sometime.

    The disastrous blind date stories I could tell could also fill an entire future post. As I continued my college years all my friends and roomates kept setting me up with their own dating rejects. Big boost to my self-esteem knowing I made a good consolation prize going out with these losers. 

    I had some good dates too which I promise to include in that same future post but none of them to led to any steamy hot-in-my-pants-for-you relationships. Then one day I woke up and realized my dating season was pretty much over. Several bouts of tears followed because here I was, almost 30 and my season was over before it ever really began. 

     Life has settled down yet it continues to pass me by. I often feel like a forgotten patron at a restaurant. My stomach growls as I watch everyone else being served their delicious meals and though I continue to signal the waiter his only excuse to me is, "Just keep waiting patiently". Sometimes I feel like a lone sailor trying to navigate the stormy sea in my solitary boat or a second string player on the football team who begs, "Please, Coach, send me in, I want to help, I can do it, just give me a chance!" The frustration can be overwhelming at times enough that I just want to quit this lousy restauraunt with its bad service, jump ship, or desert the team. Yet, I know I can't do that. I've made certain commitments and choices which I must stick to. My religion promises me that one day, I'll be compensated but, darn it, I want it NOW! 
    Is there something wrong with me? Why didn't any decent guy who shared the same standards and interests as me find me attractive enough to pursue me and ask me to marry him? I've been told I'm pretty, have attractive features and I'm not overweight. I clean up pretty good, actually. So, come on guys!

    So, I guess I should probably address the subject of my first post now. For those who might be wondering, Ambigous Loss is a sense of mourning for something that can't be defined or pinned down. Since my discovery of this word I've felt an instant connection to it as the above examples testify.

   I'm the oldest in my family (I'll save introductions for my next post) so I never felt like I had anyone I could really talk to about my ambigous loss-dysfunctional family, spectacular career failures, disappointment in romance, ect. Aristotle said the arts are a means of catharsis. Throughout my life I've always had this burning desire to write. So, here I am. 

   How am I dealing with my loss? I learned to be independant.  I live alone now, having broken away from living with roomates. I keep busy with work and school, family and friends and I always try to have something to look forward to which helps keep the depression and crying spells at bay. I'd love to know how others like me are surviving. Living in a culture that puts such emphasis on family and marriage and motherhood I send this question out to all single adults who can relate to this topic-How are YOU surviving?

Next up: glorified babysitting

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